Sexual Expectations and Boundaries

In our latest episode of the Luli Health Podcast, we sit down with Sienna from Education for a Lifetime, an organization focused on providing healthy relationship education, to talk all about sex and how to have healthy boundaries and expectations.

1. Don't let your perception of sex be dictated by the media

Sex is often depicted as just being casual and fun, without a deeper meaning or connection, but this is simply not how we as humans, and especially as women, function. We are made for connection that goes far beyond a physical exchange. Have you ever engaged in a hook-up and felt disappointed and empty afterwards, like something was missing? Sienna talks about how our hormones and chemical make-up play a role in this. When engaging in sexual activity, we are making a much deeper connection than it often portrayed in movies and the like. And there is just something about being human - with the desire to be loved - that is not satisfied when you feel like you have only been used for another person's pleasure. Porn is a big culprit for linking sex to performance, rather than an act of love towards your partner. Sex is an experience where you share a very vulnerable and intimate part of you with someone else. You want to feel valued and enjoy this, rather than feeling confused and dissatisfied. 

2. Sex does not equal love

Further to the previous point, Sienna went as far to say that although sex is a part of love, it is not the totality of love. Love is about far more than sex. It is about honesty, loyalty, trust, care, and close friendship. And if this sounds like a fantasy, then ask yourself why is sounds so far from reality? Could it be because many of our perceptions of reality have been 'dumbed down' by what we see in movies and in culture? Whenever you watch a rom-com, it often seems that when the couple gets into bed with each other is when you know they are in love. And although this is of course a huge part of love, sex itself is not the only determining factor. Knowing that someone is there for you, knowing that they truly care about you, and are not just using your body to satisfy their sexual urges is worth so much more. When sex is engaged in within this context, it becomes far more satisfying.

3. have the hard conversations up front

Sex, as we have already covered, is no joke. It carries real life consequences and responsibilities, such as STIs and pregnancy. It is vital to have the hard conversations up front with your partner to know where you stand. Ask them if they have been tested for an STI. Ask them what they would do if you became pregnant. Sex is far more enjoyable when you aren't concerned about important questions like these. 

4. The Commitment Factor

Ultimately, good sex comes back to the foundations upon which it rests. The most satisfying sex is found where commitment is the basis of the relationship and this is the most risk-averse kind of sex. In fact, the CDC recommends that the healthiest sexual relationships happen within mutually committed, monogamous partnerships - marriage. This sadly isn't often highlighted in today’s culture, but people in such relationships are less likely to experience abusive dynamics or depression. In a survey done by 'Psychology Today', they make the case for married couples having better sex for the following six compelling reasons:

1. Convenience - you don't have to go and find a partner.

2. Cues - you know how to communicate when it's 'time' with your spouse.

3. Safety from STIs.

4, Freedom from fear or rejection.

5. Greater freedom to risk and experiment.

6. Emotional intimacy as foreplay.

5. Sex is not a band-aid